I never have very many celebrity crushes. In terms of current actors, I have no more than three or four. Normally this would be attributed to not watching much television. But, as any normal American kid, I watched a lot of TV, and I am unashamed. Now, having graduated, and having gotten sick and therefore currently enjoying a few days of guilty pleasure TV shows in a feverish haze that include ANTM (of course), Gilmore Girls, and, most importantly, Full House, this '90s kid realized that, well, that just ain't true. So, from boredom, a list of the make-believe men in my life.
Figure 1: John Stamos, alias Jesse from Full House. I was five. Uncle Jesse was God.
Also proving that my attraction to rebellious musicians with warm hearts is at least 17 years in the making. Also the stubble and hair... even though he had a mullet in at least 70% of the series.
Figure 2: Michael E. Knight, alias Tad Martin from All My Children. I got really into this soap opera mostly as a way of bonding with my mom and grandmother between fourth and sixth grade. I only have very distant memories of this show, but my deep-seated love for smut runs deep. Sometime in 5th grade I also started sneaking into my mom's room and reading her Danielle Steele novels, proving that I've attained 40-something housewife status at the age of 10. Surprisingly, I still did not know that sex led to babies, which is something I'd only discover in 6th grade with "the Miracle of Life," currently tied in 1st place with "Bambi" for movies-that-fucked-me-up-forever.
However, Tad wasn't really particularly attractive... he's just one of the only "good guys" so he most likely has a lot of female fans.
Next up, Figure 3: Mario Lopez, alias A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell. Former teen actor, current host of a myriad of crappy tv shows, from Dancing with the Stars to... America's Funniest Home Videos.
Figure 4: David Lascher, alias Josh from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Couldn't find a suitable grainy '90s picture for him, but I promise he looked better in real life, also known as the TV screen. Mostly I included him in the list to point out the fact that for many of my preteen years I was obsessed with Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Figure 5: (clockwise from top) Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, Linda Cardellini, and James Franco, aliases Nick Andopolis, Ken Miller, Lindsay Weir, and Daniel Desario, from Freaks and Geeks. Come on, people, who didn't love this show?!?!
All four of these appealed to me in different ways. Even Seth Rogen. Don't ask me why. Undoubtedly Dan Desario was hottest, but so, so, stupid...
Well, that's about it until the college years, which could all be summer up by the following pictures:
(I wonder what this all says about my psychological development and the fact that I was never into the blonde pretty boys, a.k.a. JTT et all? and why are these guys mostly older? And why are the bulk of them either poetic musicians or unstable or all of the above?)